Straight men of a certain age and AI
This post isn’t exactly about caregiving, but since we are in the “after” of caregiving the topic is relevant with my nervous system.
Before Frannie died and while I was still in the belly of the beast, I went on a dating app date. It was my first and last of that nonsense. We met for waffles at 10am. The guy was clearly older in person and wouldn’t tell me his age. I caught him looking me up and down. I was in a performative state and doing most of the talking while he was feasting his eyes as I carried on. It was good to be out, but he wanted to extend breakfast into lunch and I said maybe another time. He asked me to go out for food again and I politely told him that I wasn’t in a place to date. He was pushing the issue and finally asked if there was a mutual attraction or not. I told him that if he needs a yes or no answer then it’s NO. It ended there and I deleted that Google Voice phone number.
Four years later, I was at my friend’s house and her aunt saw me. A few weeks later the aunt called my friend and said she wanted to set me up with her son. My friend told me about him and showed me a photo and I said I’d think about it. A retired cop is not going to be my match when I’m looking for a Gen X or Elder Millennial who likes the band The Sundays, but I digress.
Days after this almost-setup, I was at my retail job laughing with a coworker. A guy came up to me and said my name. I stared at him and knew who he was. He mentioned the waffle date and I said I remembered. As I looked at him longer and put the names together, it turns out he was the waffle guy and my friend’s cousin. I don’t know the chances of that but I don’t like those chances.
This is where I started performing again. I was already with my coworker and comfortable when this man walked into our bubble. In the end, I panicked and gave him my real phone number and said yes to lunch. I told him I can’t make any promises.
I immediately texted my friend and she was furious. She called her aunt. Boomers and older are all red flags. The aunt said it must have been coincidence to see me at my store. My friend told me to turn off his notifications and not respond.
Where I’m going with this is how I immediately started performing and went right into freeze. I wanted to be small and not seen. I wanted him to go away, so I metaphorically rolled over and surrendered.
When I got home I wanted data-driven reinforcements so I told ChatGPT the scenario and asked for responses. ChatGPT proceeded to tell me not to villainize this man and not to jump to conclusions. Are you kidding me? You are joking. I told off the AI monster and let it know that it is not a human woman and it will never know how human women live in fear of human men taking what they want.
I’m tired of not trusting myself. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to never text him or see him again and go to the antique shop the next day like I had planned. I wanted to continue my life and not have this affect me. And so that’s what I did.
For me this is all the residual bullshit of putting others first, especially fragile men. Gen X girls were conditioned to be “nice” and quiet and unseen. When I was living with Frannie and no one wanted to see or hear my anguish, I started calling myself the disposable girl child. I was born just to take care of THEM. I had no other purpose but to serve them. This is where the AFTER caregiving comes in. Now that it’s after Frannie, I’m still hyper vigilant and I don’t know who I am. All I can do now is follow the stuff that brings me joy and peace. It sounds like a Christmas song but that’s where I am. Wool sweaters bring me so much unbelievable joy which got me thinking about having my own sheep.
Keep pushing past and find your own stuff. if a wad of wool makes you cry, chase that. It’s not easier when your person dies. It’s a different form of the same thing.
Photo story:
This was a really cold spring day and I was helping plant vegetables at the farm. I assumed my usual half-assed Marilyn Monroe pose. It’s one of my favorites! Photo taken by Mary W.